Author: Adib Khorram
LGBTQ+ Representation: Main character does not explicitly state his sexuality, but the story implies that he identifies as gay and may have a crush on his close friend
What it’s about (in 75 words or fewer): Darius is half-Persian on his mother's side but has never fit in anywhere--he enjoys Tolkien, Star Trek, and tea (making him a target for bullies) and lives with clinical depression. He thinks things will be the same when he and his family go to Iran to visit his grandparents, but then Darius meets Sohrab and becomes close friends with him. With Sohrab, Darius has never felt so comfortable--has he finally found his place?
What I think: I could review this book sounding like a starstruck teenage girl, and to quote myself from an earlier review:
I love everything about this book; it makes me laugh; it makes me cry; it makes me goofily smile like a big dope.I could go on and on like "the fangirl reviewer"--you know, the one that you roll your eyes at and move on from because there's no substance in the review, just random gushing.
Therefore, here are some specific examples of what I liked in this book:
1. The realities of living with depression:
I hated that question. What are you depressed about? Because the answer was nothing.
I had nothing to be depressed about. Nothing really bad had happened to me.
I felt so inadequate (pg. 68).
Darius tells his story in first-person point-of-view (which is my favorite POV to write in and read), and I am incredibly impressed at how relatable and accurate his voice is to someone who lives with depression.
Like Darius in the story, I inherited clinical depression (and anxiety) from my father, and although everyone experiences depression differently, I was able to relate to so many parts of Darius's narration and inner voice, for example:
I still felt the burn of jealousy behind my sternum.I really hated myself for that.I hated how petty I was (pg. 128).
Living with depression for me sometimes feels like I am carrying around something really, really heavy. This heavy invisible thing makes me not want to get out of bed and do anything because it takes so much effort to get up and shower and get ready and then go places with "normal" people who are not carrying invisible heavy things will look at me and judge me and what's the point anyway?
And how ridiculous does this sound when you apply logic to it? After all, showering is not hard. Getting out of freakin' bed shouldn't be hard. Who cares what random people in the grocery store are thinking anyway? No one will even notice you.
I just didn't tell anyone about it.
That's normal.
Right? (pgs. 16-17).
And then--after I've exhausted myself with this mental monologue, my inner voice will beat me up: Why aren't you doing anything, you lazy bum? Can't get your butt moving, can you? You are so terrible, thinking everyone else has it easy. Nothing's happened to you. You are just a big failure.
I just wanted to slip into a black hole and never come out. . . I was never going to fit in (pg. 116).
The inner voice of mine is obviously very evil and petty, and I hate it, but sometimes I get paralyzed listening to it. I don't know how else to describe it. But Darius could relate.
"Sometimes I get stuck thinking things."
"Sad things?"
I nodded . . . I didn't know how to explain it any better than that (pg. 237).
Since many people living with (notice I don't safe "suffering from" because I hate that term) have a similar inner voice that gets stuck in a negative rut, they are not always reliable narrators.
(Is a first-person point-of-view ever a reliable narrator? After all, everything they tell and observe is filtered through their own perceptions,)
Dr. Howell likes to say that depression is anger turned inward. I had so much anger turned inward, I could have powered a warp core (pg. 283).
Anyway, Darius's depression makes him an especially unreliable narrator because of his inner voice, which brings me to the next aspect of the book I enjoyed--
2. Darius's relationship with his father:
Stephen Keller and I were experts at High Level Awkward Silences (pg. 21).
One thing that Darius's inner voice tells him all the time is that his dad is judging him and finding him lacking.
Sometimes people are mean to me and I cry. Sorry for being such a target. Sorry for disappointing you. Again . . .You don't want me to feel anything anymore. You just want me to be normal. Like you. . .I'll never be good enough for you (pg. 283).
To be fair, Darius overhears his dad say this:
He's got enough going on with his depression, he doesn't need to be bullied all the time, too. He wouldn't be such a target if he fit in more. If he could just, you know, act a little more normal (pg. 60).
I really hate when people say things like this but find it difficult to explain to them why it's so offensive to me. But people who find it easy to fit in socially (or at least give the impression that they do), like Darius's Ubermensch father, do not know what to say when they have a child who does not. My parents are still like this with me, and I know they mean well, but it still hurts my feelings when I hear them say:
Just relax. Don't be shy. Make sure you talk to people.
Smile. People will like you more if you smile.
Don't stand like that. Relax. You look defensive.
Make sure you dress nicely and put on makeup so that you will fit in more.
You would feel more comfortable if you would lose weight.
Because you know what I hear when people say those things to me?
No one will ever like you the way you are.
And that proves my stupid inner voice correct! Grrr!!! So Darius's dad doesn't mean to give his son the impression that he is not good enough, but that is what Darius hears, and he is stuck on the idea that he is never good enough for his father.
Darius says this several times throughout the book, how he is a disappointment to his father and how he knows his dad wishes he had a "better son."
I hated camping and I hated the other boys, who were all on their way to becoming Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy. And then I felt ashamed. I made a lot of Mood Slingshot Maneuvers that afternoon . . . Dad was so disappointed (pg. 34).
I was Team Darius for most the book regarding his dad, but then I realized something: Darius is an unreliable narrator--his depression voice is deceiving him.
Suddenly, I went from identifying with Darius Kellner to identifying with Stephen Kellner:
"I want you to feel things, Darius. But I'm scared for you. You have no idea how scared. I take my eyes off you one moment and if it's the wrong moment, you could be drowning in depression, bad enough to . . .to do something about it. And I can't protect you from that. No matter how hard I try" (pg. 285).
My son also inherited my depression and anxiety, just like Darius inherited it from his father. However, my oldest son has more mental illness than I do. B's anxiety manifests in outbursts of uncontrollable anger followed by sobbing panic attacks. When we have medication adjustment issues or if he misses a dose, B can be out of control to the point of hurting people or threatening to hurt himself, rolling up in a ball and screaming that he wants to die. B is only 12 years old.
"Suicide isn't the only way you can lose someone to depression. . . . And it kills me that I gave it to you, Darius. It kills me" (pg. 286).
I have never had suicidal thoughts, but I have had days in which I have felt I was not the best parent because of my depression. My kids and I have talked at length about depression and mental illnesses.
But it still sucks.
"You're okay," he [Dad] murmured."No. I'm not."
"I know,' He rubbed my back up and down. "It's okay not to be okay" (pg. 286).
Wow, this has been a depressing (no pun intended!) post so far, so lest you think this book is total downer, I will move to the next aspect of the story that I appreciated, which is--
3. The Star Trek: The Next Generation (and other Star Trek franchises) and Lord of the Rings references:
Smaug, the Irrepressibly Finicky, was our industrial-strength water boiler. . . I flinched as boiling water spattered my hands. Smaug, the Chiefest and Greatest of Calamities, was triumphant once more (pgs. 1-2).
I am a geek. Full stop. I can quote from a bunch of fandoms and also have a mind full of useless trivia, about such topics as Sweet Valley High, The Baby-sitter's Club, Star Wars original trilogy, The Twilight Zone, Outlander, Muppets, and about a billion middle grades and YA novels and plays.
I love the Internet!!!
I have only seen a handful of Star Trek episodes and have only read The Fellowship of the Ring, so I am not as well-versed in those fandoms as Darius, but since I have a dad who reads The Hobbit plus LOTR ever few years and Trekkie friends I have absorbed a bit of knowledge.
Darius references these two fandoms on nearly every page. It's so awesome.
Because I am the very model of a modern-major librarian, I used a book to fact-check the first LOTR reference I did not understand. I borrowed this trusty resource from my father:
Trent shared his last name with Fredegar "Fatty" Bolger, a Hobbit from The Lord of the Rings. He's the one that stays home in the Shire while Frodo and company go on their adventure (pg. 6).
Sure enough:
I didn't really doubt Adib Korrham; I just wanted to show off my mad librarian research skillz. 😁
Here are some more of my favorite references:
"Captain Picard was, without doubt, the best captain from Star Trek. He was smart; he loved 'Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.'; and he had the best voice ever: deep and resonant and British" (pg. 18).
The Dancing Fan has been creeping up on Dad, a relentless Borg drone determined to assimilate us both, but as soon as he glanced at it, it stopped moving.
Resistance was futile (pg. 167).
Ghormeh sabzi is a stew made with tons of herbs and greens. I always found it suspicious, because it had red kidney beans in it that looked like tiny eyes, corpse eyes lit in the swamp of the green stew to draw weary Hobbitses to their graves (pg. 219).
Like Frodo when he wore the One Ring, I had slipped back into the Twilight world, hidden from the Iranians around me by my inability to speak Farsi (pg. 248).
Speaking of Farsi, that brings me to the last major part of the book that I am going to discuss:
4. Iran and Sohrib
Darius calls himself a "Fractional Persian," since his mother is from Iran and his father is white. Since his grandfather is terminally ill, Darius, along with his sister and his parents, visit Iran to stay with his maternal grandparents. I really enjoyed reading about Iran and Persian culture.
I had a "Fractional Persian" friend in high school, and her dad could speak Farsi and once took a bunch of us to Chicago to a Persian restaurant (and then to see Rent.) Before this book, this Chicago trip was the extent of my Persian knowledge.
Darius finds a place with his Iranian relatives that he had not found with his American relatives:
Grandma and Oma, Dad's moms, didn't say that very often. It's not they didn't love me and Laleh, but they were full of Teutonic reserve, and didn't express affection very often.
Mamou wasn't like that.
For Fariba Bahrami, love was an opportunity, not a burden (pg. 75).
Darius becomes friends with Sohrab, the boy next door. Their friendship is incredibly adorable and is the bulk of the story and the part that reminds me of the friendship between Aristotle and Dante.
Sohrab is adorable (but not perfect), says some fantastic things to Darius, and you'll have to read the book to find out more!
Everyone wants you here. We have a saying in Farsi. It translates "your place was empty." We say it when we miss somebody . . . Your place was empty before. But this is your family. You belong here (pg. 190).
One more LOTR reference:
The name Sohrab comes from the story of Rostam and Sohrab in the Shahnahmeh, which is basically the Silmarillion of Persian fables and legends (pg. 88).
I want more Darius; this book absolutely needs a sequel. Adib Korrham: Make it so.
This book is on the 2019 Rainbow Book List.
My final takeaway (in 75 words or fewer): I recommend Darius to anyone who likes character-driven books, struggles to make sense of their emotions, and longs to be loved and accepted by their families. So pretty much everyone in the world.
And in fact, readers, I like Darius as much as I like Aristotle and Dante.
To quote the great Charles Dickens: "And that's not high praise, tell me higher, and I'll use it."
Memorable quotes/passages from the book:
- "Guys aren't supposed to love their little sisters. We can look out for them. We can intimidate whatever dates they bring home, although I hoped that was still a few years away for Laleh. But we can't say we love them. we can't admit to having tea parties or playing dolls with them, because that's unmanly" (pg. 16).
- "My own, dark, Persian hair was baking in the sun. If I cracked an egg over it, I could have shaken scrambled eggs out of my curls.
That would have been gross" (pg. 94).
- "My parents were setting themselves up for disappointment, naming me after a titanic figure like that. Darius the Great was a diplomat and a conqueror. And I was just me" (pg. 158).
- "Maybe he knew, without me saying it out loud, that I wasn't ready to talk about more.
Maybe he did" (pg. 287).
Other reviews: FirstToRead and Vicky Who Reads
This book is available from the Greensboro Public Library.
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