This list is directly from trans people. LISTEN TO (read) what they have to say with open minds. Bolded emphasis added my me:
- Please vocally support ALL trans people. Don't be one of those who says the following: "Yes I support trans people, trans equality!" "But what about children?" Shifts uncomfortably. "Oh, no not children. Of course we must protect children from trans."
- Don't try to "out" someone as trans, don't stalk their Facebook to find out if they are and then "out" them. Just don't "out" people, period.
- Call out transphobia whenever you see it. This sometimes means more coming from cis people.
- Stop judging based on appearances. Stop thinking that Bio 101 is the be all and end all of how trans bodies work. Remember that the trans population is super diverse. Join the fight for trans rights.
- We mostly just want to be accepted for who we are--small compliments from a stranger can change a trans person's day and even save a life. "Wow your outfit is CUTE!" "I love your look!" "You are beautiful!" For me, even a shy smile of support makes the day sunnier.
- Well if you’re a cis journalist, presenter and looking for content (or one of your friends is) just stop writing about us. Ignore us. Let us get on with our lives peacefully. We don’t want or need the spotlight.
--I respectfully disagree, tbh. We're already in the spotlight, in a very negative way. Positive representation and coverage is important. Don't use us just for clicks, actually put in the time, research, and get trans voices not just cis opinions.
- DONATE MONEY. The median income for trans women in the US is $11,000. Look through #TransCrowdFund for ideas.
- Call out the mainstream media for irresponsible 'reporting'. Emailing the editor about anti-trans articles being a good example of this. Also tweeting on the article in support of trans people. If you have the knowledge, a comment debunking the article.
- Carry gherkins (pickles) in your handbag in case you see a struggling trans woman. It's a well known fact that it's like catnip for us. 😂
- Listen to us instead of using the media as a way to learn about trans people.
- Try my book, Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Trans (But Were Afraid to Ask). Available online at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
- Get new material. I'm tired of the usual plethora of jokes. They are shallow, and show you understand nothing about us, and that is very alienating. Make the effort of understanding us, and perpetuate jokes that are rooted in our actual experiences, and we might laugh with you.
- Maybe stop harassing us and attacking everything we do. I wish this one didn't need saying.
- Never EVER say that a trans person is a *insert assigned birth gender*, who WANTS to be a *insert actual gender*! NO! They are their actual gender... not WANTING to be.. they ARE!
- Treat us as humans. No actually I'm being serious. If you wouldn't do something, or say what you're about to say, to/about someone else, it's not magically acceptable if it's a trans person.
- Please don't watch us have to defend ourselves and then seek us out privately to compliment us on how brave we are. Support us in the moment even if it's non-verbal.
- Listen to trans people about their experiences. If we say we've experienced hate, or are uncomfortable with someone's behavior, listening and understanding is key. I've had friends and family say that I shouldn't be offended by certain "jokes." If we say something hurts us, listen.
- Stop non-verbally judging us. Even when people say the right things and vote for the right things, every time a woman gives me an "are you serious?" look in the grocery or ushers her kids out of the library as soon as I enter she may as well be stabbing me right in the heart.
- Major one: STOP KILLING US. STOP ATTACKING US. STOP HARASSING US. It is frustrating that this needs to be said, but really. Stop it. Stop killing us.
- Listen to us, to our experiences and understand that we are people with feelings and needs like any other.
- Pay trans people for their labor. Don’t ask me to come speak to your company or revamp their policies and forms out of the goodness of my heart. Trans people have bills and expenses and face structural barriers that wouldn’t even occur to you. Help them survive in a tangible way.
- At the same time, have representation! Putting together a panel? Engage a trans person to speak (and pay them if you’re paying panelists). In charge of hiring decisions? Hire trans people (and have the inclusive and affirmatively supportive policies to make it work).
- Please be vocal in the defense of us. Fight for us. Call out the people who make jokes about us. Call out the people around you who use transphobic slurs and language. You can do this much more safely than we can.
- If someone misgenders a trans person, correct them. If someone says something rude/transphobic, call them out. It does not even have to be anything big. Just a "not cool, man" can get the point across and it means so much.
- I think the best and easiest thing is knowing that my friends respect my pronouns/name without my presence.
- Vocally defend trans people and call out bigots when we're not around. Let them know their behavior is unacceptable.
- Advocate for trans people even when there aren't any trans people around. Learn what transphobia looks like and challenge it wherever and whenever you encounter it.
- Stop assuming you have a right to debate our existence and just accept us for who we are.
- Don't ask questions about "the surgery" or about my "real name" and call people out who do, because that's not okay.
- The most important work happens when trans people are not around. When friends & family are engaging in casual or active transphobia, shut it down. Say, "We don't talk about people that way." Speak well of us, normalize us, and defend us. What you do in private matters a lot.
- DON'T ASK WHAT'S IN OUR PANTS. It's none of your business and makes us deeply uncomfortable.
- Show us respect when you're with other cis people. Correct them when they use the wrong pronouns, tell them they're out of line if they start wondering about our genitals.
- Offer your pronouns. Places like your bio, email signature, etc... should include your pronouns.
- Don't ask trans and nonbinary people what gender means to them. Don't expect us to explain and describe our gender in excruciating detail simply because it's confusing or new. And don't ask about genitals or surgery; that's incredibly personal information.
- Don't try to fix us. Post up LGBT* safe signs. Attend pride events (respectfully).
- Begin to look for the assumptions you're making with language. I am gender non conforming and so are many of my partners. We notice the gendered words and terms you use, and may not even notice.
- Honestly the thing that right now I and many of my trans friends need more than anything is a break. I've personally been actively educating every day since 2016 and now the hates getting worse I'm so tired and broke and stressed.
- Support and don't argue with non-binary people about the how grammatically correct singular they is... or not. Language is made up and usage is truth. Let us define how we pronoun.
- I made a YouTube to educate folks about trans issues without being preachy, but still be entertaining.
- Actually, let’s just stop telling tnbgnc folks “you don’t look trans.” I’m not sure if you mean it as a compliment, but most of us don’t take it that way.
- Look on as no different and nothing special.
- Learn that you can accept something even if you don’t understand it.
- Understand that trans people get to decide what is transphobic.
- (Mostly a binary only thing) You may think you're being encouraging by saying we can drop the trans label and just call ourselves a man or woman but it doesn't. It just sweeps our existence under the rug and helps hide tragedies against us.
- Acknowledge first, ask questions second. I call this "the no shrimp rule": If your friend says "no shrimp, please" then you don't need to determine if it's a religious practice or a shellfish allergy or a diet thing or a matter of taste in order to not put shrimp on their plate.
- When you *do* ask questions, don't ask questions like "Why can't you just [XYZ]?" but ask questions like "What would help you [ABC]?" Make it clear with your language that you want to address how the world is failing trans people, not how trans people are failing the world.
- Stop saying "wait, what?" When we say "trans man" or "trans woman". Asking if a trans man is mtf is gross and transphobic in itself. It tells me you think I would call a woman a man and your inherent belief is that we have been (or will always really be) our assigned gender.
- Help a transperson get a job or at least a decently paid freelance gig. FIGHT to get us better pay. More bathrooms are great. Getting decent wages matters, too.
- Before you ask a question that might seem intrusive, ask yourself, "How would I feel if I was being asked this question? How would I respond?" Consider how the person might respond as well.
- If your child expresses any sort of dysphoria/desire to not be who they were assigned at birth, take them seriously. Not saying to give a 5 yrs old hormones, but talk to them. Get them into see a (good) counselor/therapist. Give them the opportunity to figure it out when young.
- I've written about this for Broadly
- Go get some basic education on sex, chromosomes, hormones and all the variations. Learn what trans, cis and non-binary means. Practice using they/them pronouns.
- Educate yourselves on mental illness. This way you won't be misled by people trying to frame being trans as an 'issue' and can learn to support us when we're feeling overwhelmed by the sheer ugliness of it all. Plus anxiety, depression, etc are cis problems too.
- Ask your employer what their trans policy is. Ask your gym what their trans policy is. Ask you pool what their trans policy is. Ask your church what their trans policy is. Ask your kids schools what their trans policies are. START. THE. CONVERSATION.
- Learn what TERF means, and fight against them. Embrace that trans women are women, and trans men are men. Advocate and vote for our rights to access: bathrooms, sports, etc. Fight to ban gay/trans panic defense from the legal system. Only presently banned in 3 US States.
- Our lives can be as boringly normal as any cis person if we are just allowed to live them without drama.
- Some of us grew up being athletic, wanting a motorcycle, loving cars and comics. We didn't think much about dresses or dolls, but we knew we were girls.
- Whatever downside you're about to point out, we've thought about it plenty.
- I didn't choose my gender anymore than you did.
- It's fine if you don't understand. I don't understand it either. That doesn't make it go away, though. Being trans doesn't emerge from some theory or understanding. It just is. The stories we tell about it are maps, not the territory.
April 1, 2019 post:
Yesterday was Trans Day of Visibility, and last month I participated (or read, mostly) a Twitter discussion in which trans folks gave advice to to their cis peers. Here's the original Tweet with my reply:
You'll have to wait in suspense for the gherkin part. 😉
So here, in their own (edited for clarity and brevity) words, is a list of advice from transgender people.
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