Author: M-E Girard
What it’s about (in 75 words or fewer): Pen is not trying to be a boy; she is being herself: a boyish-looking girl who likes gaming (and girls). Pen's old-world-Portuguese parents want her to show respect by acting "like a girl." Pen's friend Colby wants her to prove her loyalty by doing whatever he says, even if it means getting him out of some trouble and getting herself into questionable situations. Luckily, Pen's brother Johnny is on her side.
What I think (with lots and LOTS of spoilers): I discussed terrible YA parents in the second half of the review of Better Nate Than Ever (and I think I'm going to pull the parent stuff out and make it its own post one of these days), and if there were an award for the worst parents in YA books, Pen's parents would take the top prize. They are terrible.
Pen's parents are Portuguese and are "old-fashioned" and "set in their ways." Admittedly, I don't know anything about Portuguese culture, but I have a hard time believing every single parent is this mean to their children. I can understand how any culture especially one purported to be "old-fashioned" would initially have a problem with a tomboy-ish lesbian daughter, but Pen's parents are extremely cruel to both of their children: Pen and her older brother, Johnny.
Nothing Johnny and Pen do can please their parents, who go on and on about respeito (respect), but the parents are very rude and disrespectful to their children, and everytime Pen or Johnny stand up for themselves or each other, the parents' response is automatically respeito, instead of a word of kindness, explanation, or apology. To be clear, this meanness and disrespect for their children is why I think the parents are so terrible; it has nothing to do with the fact that they are old-fashioned Portuguese.
Also Pen's friend, Colby? Holy crap. I know [some] people are getting tired of the terms toxic masculinity being used, but Colby is the most toxic example of male privilege and misogyny that I've read in a long time. I'd love to say he's an exaggerated character, but I've met my fair share of Colbys in my lifetime. He's like a bad, racist YouTube troll come to life.
If you want to know what someone like Colby might post on the Internet, read the first two definitions of male privilege on Urban Dictionary (not linking specifically to the troll-ish definitions😒).
Gendered language: The title of this book gave me pause at first because I really, really hate the expression man up. Strength and courage and leadership are NOT exclusively masculine traits! Throughout the book, the author plays with that, as well as all "traditional" gendered expectations.
Gendered language is used throughout the book, so I started marking pages with sticky notes every time I came across something to do with gender and expectations. Here are some that stand out to me:
- "I should stop being such a girly douche, and I should just man up. Then, it's the opposite: I'm too much of a guy, and it's not right. I should be a girl, because that's what I'm supposed to be. The thing is, I'm not a boy, but I don't want to be that girl either"--Pen reflecting on an incident with Colby on page 42.
- "It's not like I want to be looking a girl's body in the mirror. It's just that a girl's body is so . . . girl"--Pen on body image, page 55.
- "I don't think of myself as being gay, because that word sounds like it belongs to some guy. Lesbian makes me think of some forty-year-old woman. And queer feels like it can mean anything, but like--am I queer because I like girls, or because I look the way I do? Maybe I just don't know enough words"--Pen on her sexuality, page 65.
- "Outside of school--outside of her basement, surrounded by regular people, by her friends, by tall dudes with beards--she'll realize I'm not a guy. She'll realize I'm not exactly a girl either"--Pen on her girlfriend and her gender identity, page 87.
- "I don't feel wrong inside myself. I don't feel like I'm something I shouldn't be. Only other people make me feel like there's something wrong with me"--Pen on not feeling transgender, page 150.
- "It's always a guy and a girl. It's never two bada** teenage girls in sneakers and jeans who are into each other just because"--Pen on romance in video games, page 215.
- [After finding Disney princess t-shirts her mother bought] "'I'd rather be a guy than wear those shirts . . . I'd rather be a guy than a lady like you. I'm not a lady. I'm just whatever, Ma. I'm whatever. Leave me alone. I'm whatever!' . . . Why can't my mom see that I'm a good girl already?" page 244.
- "I think it's okay for you to feel like crap about this, but I don't think you're supposed to . . . die of guilty every day just because. You're not a bad person for having gone to the clinic today. You're still a good girl"--Pen consoling a friend, page 269.
- "I keep telling her to just wait it out, but part of me wants to tell her to snap out of it, man up a little" Pen wondering how to support her friend, page 286.
- "This isn't respect. None of this is respect. . . It's all just a bunch of rules. . . I can't respect people I don't like--people who don't like me" Pen finally standing up to her parents, page 239.
My heart just broke for Pen when I read this. Everyone deserves to have their parents love them unconditionally. UNCONDITIONALLY.
Pen and #Metoo: I read this book at the end of the summer and started this review well over a month ago but just couldn't finish it. The whole Kavanaugh saga and eventual confirmation happened right after I began writing and I just couldn't continue with original concept, which was going through all of the Urban Dictionary definitions for man up and making fun of them.
Pen is taken advantage of by Colby, her best friend: he comes on to her and kisses her and although we don't know *exactly* how far they went sexually, we readers do know Pen's feelings of shame, confusion, and anger after the whole ordeal. "How far they went" doesn't matter. The fact that Pen doesn't scream doesn't matter.
Pen is taken advantage of because she is a girl, and Colby, even though he has grown up with Pen and sees her as "one of the guys," justifies it by saying, "It's like you're a girl, but you're not" (pg. 33).
Does Pen tell anyone about this? No. She keeps it to herself, like a good girl is "supposed to do." Besides, who would believe her? Colby is her friend. Besides, she didn't scream, or fight . . .
But after this incident, Colby's disrespect for Pen skyrockets. He accuses her of "always telling her mom" that she's with Colby when Pen is really with her girlfriend. Colby accuses Pen of trying to "steal" his ex even though he was the who broke up with her. He threatens to get Johnny fired if Pen doesn't do what he wants. Colby stalks Pen when Pen is talking to her friends. He accuses her of cutting her hair only so that he would "forget" she is a girl. He spreads rumors about Pen's girlfriend.
As the book progresses, Colby becomes more and more paranoid that Pen has told people what they did. Does he feel guilty? Perhaps--but he becomes more and more agitated and suspicious around Pen when she starts standing up to him. He finally snaps and tells everyone that he and Pen had sex and that Pen is denying it because she wants the school to think he's gay. When he and Pen fight, he tells everyone that she since she is "trying to be a guy," and this is how "guys settle things," he implies that Pen deserves to be hit.
Oh, and when does Pen tell everyone about what she and Colby did? NEVER. Just in case that part isn't clear.
Pen doesn't exactly get any support from her parents, either. Colby and his friends throw eggs at Pen's house, and then Pen's parents blame her because "when you be a boy, boys come be boys with you!" (page 296). When Pen does dress all girly one day as kind of a social experiment, her mother yells at her and accuses her of making furn of her. When Pen finally punches Colby in the mouth (I yelped with joy FOR REAL), her parents act all concerned in front of the teachers and principal, but blame Pen because she dresses like a "punk druggy."
And the worst situation of all: Pen brings up an assault when she was in second grade; a bunch of kids tried to get her to pull her pants down. What does Pen remember her mom saying? "You said I should've tried harder to be a good girl" (page 340).
Pen's mom's reaction made me sad, frustrated, angry . . . but not surprised. I don't think any woman would be surprised, sadly.
I can't believe there are still people who wonder why more women don't report sexual assault. In case you need more links, Google found 575,000,000 results in .42 seconds.
This book is on the 2017 Rainbow Book List.
My final takeaway (in 75 words or fewer): Read the book. Let's discuss it together and crush the patriarchy! Please do not #notallmen me. I know it's not all men. But it shouldn't be ANY men.
Also, there are some fantastic sections in this book that I didn't spoil during this review. So you should check the book out and see.
Memorable quotes/passages from the book: See throughout this post. I don't want to list anymore--you can find them when you read the book. 😉
Other reviews: Teen Librarian Toolbox and Autostraddle
This book is available in the Greensboro Public Library.
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