Monday, October 1, 2018

With or Without You--"I always have a story. The only thing worse than needing one is when I don't."

Title: With or Without You



Author: Brian Farrey



What it’s about (in 75 words or fewer): Tired of being bullied for their sexual orientation, Evan and Davis go to a meeting of the Chasers, a group that promises to teach them "how to be gay" and stand up to bullies. Davis is immediately swept away in the promises of the Chasers, while Evan remains skeptical but determined to protect Davis. Meanwhile, Evan also deals with his apathetic family, his secret boyfriend, and honing his artistic talent through glass-painting.


What I think: Poor Evan has the lowest self-esteem of any main character I've read in a long time. But is it any wonder: Evan and Davis are physically and verbally bullied at school so often, they don't even both letting anyone know; bullying is so much a part of their daily routine. They manage to scrape through their senior year of high school together, remembering that this time the next year, they will be in college in Chicago.


Evan has been dating the wonderfully patient college student nurse Erik, who has agreed to keep their relationship secret for a year in order to give Evan time to figure out how to tell his parents (which, why does Evan bother? Evan's parents are firmly in the category of super-awful-loser YA parents, as described in the second part of this post. They barely even pay attention to him at all, hardly even acknowledging his high school graduation--yet when their daughter Shan comes home with her own secret, they treat her homecoming as a celebration.  Yeesh).

I liked Erik, and I guess he was good for Evan, but I wondered why he stuck around. I mean, I'm glad that he did for Evan's sake, but I really wanted him to stand up to Evan more.  But I digress . . .

Evan is apprehensive, but Davis is intrigued an excited about joining the Chasers, a cult-like group, run out of the local LGBTQ shelter by Sable, who recruits a bunch of insecure gay teenage boys who are tired of being bullied.

Sable basically bullies them into becoming part of his group (kind of a combination of a fraternity and a cult. Or the Black Panthers PLUS black nationalism but substituting gay for black.  The closest real-life examples I could find are these, listed among the LGBT movements in the United States).

The Chasers started a bar fight as a terrible fraternity-style initiation, supposedly meant to give initiates the feeling of being in the Stonewall riots . . . but wasn't quite the same, as Evan quickly realizes, and the whole event has unintended consequences that bother Evan's conscience.

And then, well . . . this happened:
"Mr. Benton, can I ask you about . . . your disease?"
Benton raises an eyebrow.  "AIDS, Evan. If you don't say it, you're only giving it more power. And yes, ask me anything you want.
I took a deep breath. "Did you try to get it?" (Farrey, pg. 250).

Sometimes you read something, and it sounds so outlandish, you think "this couldn't be real. No one is actually this crazy!" Please don't be real, please don't be real . . .

It is realSort of.  The "it" I am speaking of is bug chasing, which was largely brought to the public's attention due to a 2003 Rolling Stone article on the subject, and in case you don't want to click on these links, the short definition of bug chasing is having unprotected sex with HIV-positive people on purpose in order to catch the HIV.

This is one of the more horrifying practices that I've researched on the Internet, but thank goodness that bug chasing is not very prevalent AT ALL (at least not currently, but here's one story from the past)--many sources assert it is more urban legend than reality.

Thank goodness.

But of course, there are conspiracy-theory-nutjobs out there who believe it's super common, and I am NOT going to link to any of those people because they are NOT getting any link clicks from MY blog.

To sum up my thoughts about this, I would like to quote from the article "Researching the Bug Chasers:"
Then again, the only reason I have to believe there are amputee fetishists is because I saw it on the internet. I think there's a fetish for making up fetishes and then telling people about them (Cavenaugh, 2003).
And from the book, when Evan (somewhat awkwardly) expresses his horror that someone would want to contract HIV, Mr. Benton has this to say:
It's okay. You're responding exactly the way you're supposed to. It's insidious . . . It's the only disease that forces us to talk out of both sides of our mouth. We're constantly telling the people who are infected there's nothing to be ashamed of and we're scaring the s*** out of everyone else, saying 'You don't want to get that' and thrusting condoms in their hands. It's okay to have it but not to contract it. It's a mixed message. And that's what's insidious. There's no better way to respond (pg. 252).

What were some of the misconceptions/rumors that you heard about HIV and AIDS when you were younger?
I did some HIV/AIDS research of my own, some of which is featured in The Porcupine of Truth part 2 reviewI am sharing would more of it here.

Most of my Facebook friends were children and teenagers when they learned about AIDS, and the misconceptions (repeated by adults!) range from hateful to just plain weird.
  • It was a "gay cancer" and a death sentence. 
  • It was God's punishment for being gay. We were told that at church.
  • In the 80s and early 90s people were very paranoid about ways to "catch" it. I think people who were suffering were nearly ostracized due to people's personal fears, biases and lack of knowledge about it. People were afraid to do something as benign as shake someone's hand if they knew they were infected.
  • I also remember hearing it was only afflicting gay men and my younger sister had a friend whose Dad had come out as gay and died of AIDS when they were in high school (later 90s). 
  • My mom's fundamentalist church used it as a way to scare people. They said Africans had had sex with monkeys and then spread it amongst humans. So I guess it was God's punishment for having sex with monkeys? Or maybe for being born in Africa? I don't know. 
  • I was told you could get it from swimming pools but not from shaking hands. 
  • I remember people being afraid of those with the disease and debates on whether they should be banned from schools, and a big push for education about it being from body fluid exchange, discussions if deep kissing and/or dental work could be vectors (yes, under some circumstances).

The following two statements surprised me--not because I disagree with or don't believe them, but because I had not thought about either one of them before.
  
  • We were the last generation to grow up with it as a big threat. Gay kids now know it as something chronic, and don´t know about the scaremonger tactics.
  • There's still stigma attached to the diagnosis. I've even heard nurses, educated medical personnel, talk about not wanting to go in a room because of it. It's sad.

They seem to contradict each other, don't they?  On the one hand, HIV is not seen as a big threat, but on the other hand, it still seems to scare people (for whatever reason) who should really know better.


Personal stories:  I received a few personal stories related to AIDS.  The following is from a close female relative, and it is heartbreaking to read because while I knew the basic facts of the story, I didn't know all of the details.
I had several gay friends in the early 70s. I knew these guys in high school. I didn't know then that they were gay because I didn't know anything about that. We just hung out like a bunch of friends and those are some of my best memories of high school. 
They all eventually moved to California because their lifestyle was more accepted there than in the Midwest. One of them caught the disease. He was on the cocktail for many years (The cocktail was a group of medications that were given to AIDS patients. It just became known as the cocktail.). He eventually came back to Indiana to live with his mother. He died shortly thereafter. 
I saw him right before he died. He was six foot tall but looked like a hollowed-out person. I wanted to hug him, but he said not to touch him because the whole upper part of his body was eaten away. I very softly grazed his shoulders and all I could feel was bone. I think the actual cause of his death was cancer, but it was brought on by the AIDS.
Other friends developed numerous relationships with guys who eventually succumb to the disease. I knew a couple of guys that told me they had lost a lot of friends to the disease. I think if you were in that scene in the 70s early 80s it was pretty sure that you were going to get it. I think the ones that didn't use protection saw so many other guys die that they became very careful.
I had two other friends who relocated to Florida. Both of their partners died, and I think since then they have also died. After the 90s I kind of lost touch.

This book is on the 2012 Rainbow Book List.


My final takeaway (in 75 words or fewer): I enjoyed the book, even when it took a turn for the melodramatic.

I did like what Evan decides to do at the end because I did not think he and Erik were ready for that. The situation with Sable, Davis, and the Chasers is not resolved enough for me, but it's realistic.

And I did all of the horrifying research about bug-chasing already for you. You're welcome . . . I think?


Memorable quotes/passages from the book:
  • "You might be proud to be an American because you spent years studying American history and you know what a bunch of dead guys did to make the country great. But you can't take pride in being gay because you don't know jack s*** about what your gay forefathers did" (paperback version, pg. 44).
  • "I always have a story. The only thing worse than needing one is when I don't" (pg. 68)
  • "Arthur loved sailing. This was taken a week before he died. . . We made that square for the AIDS Memorial Quilt. The quilt was supposed to be a remembrance so no one would ever forget what happened: the senseless loss. Apparently, those bugchasers never got the message" (pg. 253).
  • "At the end of the day, the picture creates me" (pg. 330).

Other reviews:  Those Infinite Pages  and  A Good Addiction


This book is available in the Greensboro Public Library.



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