Author: Donna Gephart
LGBTQ+ Representation: Main character is a trans girl.
What it’s about (in 75 words or fewer): Lily knows she is a girl and wishes her father would stop calling her Tim and the bullies at school would leave her alone. Will she able to finally start hormone blockers? Dunkin is new in town and desperate to fit in, so why should it matter if he skips his bipolar medications occasionally if he becomes a better basketball player? Lily and Dunkin become friends despite the obstacles life throws at them.
What I think (contains spoilers): I checked out this book from the library and even before I finished reading it, I wanted to buy it for myself and said:
I love Lily and Dunkin but instead of writing about it immediately, I kept it to myself for a while. Why? Well, I related to a lot of parts of the storyline. And I'm finally ready to share those thoughts, some of which are personal (and scary).
My children: I've written about my trans son before in my reviews for Gracefully Grayson, George, and The Other Boy. I've written about my older son's mental illnesses (autism, anxiety, PTSD) and some of my own struggles with depression and anxiety in The Whispers, Darius the Great is Not Okay, and The Music of What Happens.
Lily and Dunkin is told from the points-of-view of a trans child and child with bipolar disorder. Lily and Dunkin understand each other like no one in their lives has been able to so far. Their friendship is sweet and heading towards an even sweeter romance.
Lily and Dunkin also contains two situations that, as a parent of special-needs children, are of my worst nightmares.
Locker Room Attack: The first of those situations is when Lily is sexually assaulted by some boys in the locker room. I refuse to call this "bullying" or, worse, "boys being boys." This was sexual assault, period. And it happens to trans people all the time in public bathrooms.
If you are reading this and thinking, Well, Lily should just have used the locker room of the gender she was assigned at birth; that's an easy problem to fix!
Guess what?? SHE DID. Lily was not presenting female during the assault. The idea that if trans (or LGBTQ+ people in general) would just "blend in and be normal!" they would not be bullied or assaulted is NOT TRUE.
Bullying is NOT something that should be part of school, like, childhood, boyhood, gym class, or ANYTHING. I was bullied in school. The advice I was given is to just "act normal, like the other kids. Fit in, and they won't bully you." To quote myself from my Darius review:
I really hate when people say things like [act normal], but I find it difficult to explain to them why it's so offensive to me. But people who find it easy to fit in socially (or at least give the impression that they do), like Darius's Ubermensch father, do not know what to say when they have a child who does not. My parents are still like this with me, and I know they mean well, but it still hurts my feelings when I hear them say:
Just relax. Don't be shy. Make sure you talk to people.
Smile. People will like you more if you smile.
Don't stand like that. Relax. You look defensive.
Make sure you dress nicely and put on makeup so that you will fit in.
You would feel more comfortable if you would lose weight.
Because you know what I hear when people say those things to me?
No one will ever like you the way you are.
The solution to bullying is NOT trying to act like everyone else because if that were true, everyone would just change their behavior and magically bullying would disappear. Bullying is a tough, awful thing to try to fix. I do know that telling your kids to "act normal" or "just don't be trans/feminine/loud/nerdy/awkward."
Blaming the victim is NEVER okay. BLAME THE BULLIES.
I realize that bullies sometimes learn their behaviors from their parents. Just because the cycle of abuse exists doesn't mean the bullies are not responsible for their actions.
Lily does not report the assault--at least not in this book. I fantasize a sequel, though, in which she confides in Dunkin, they tell the school, and the bullies face consequences.
In the story, Lily's father is hesitant to accept his child as trans. He comes around in a wonderful way at the end, and his reasoning is something that I am, frankly, astonished does not convince everyone to accept LGBTQ+ kids as themselves:
"'She [the doctor] showed me a statistic. Forty-three percent of transgender kids try to kill themselves.' Dad sniffs again, hard. 'Then she said, "Would you rather have a dead son or a live daughter?'' . . . She explained that kids who get a lot of love and support have a much lower suicide risk'" (pg. 324).
Unfortunately, in my experiences, people either dismiss such statistics out-of-hand or insist that "kids just commit suicide. It's what they do! Making them trans does not stop this." I wish I could say that what I just just quote is hyperbole from some Internet crazy, but it is a quote from a very close family member who does not accept my son.
We Mama Bears have a long way to go.
For the record, I do NOT think that assault and rape are inevitable for trans kids, and if such bullying ever does happen to my kid I would burn down the world. My child will be in 4th grade next year, has tons of friends, and goes to a very supportive school. But the sexual assault that could happen to him--the thought keeps me up at night.
Another thought that keeps me up at night?
Skipping Medication Consequences: Dunkin gradually stopped taking his bipolar medications when he is accepted by the popular kids and makes the basketball team. This caused him to behave strangely, hear voices, and eventually have a public psychotic episode which ended in him being handcuffed by police and sent to a psychiatric facility.
My son is currently on three separate medications to treat his anxiety, depression, and ADHD. He is twelve and does not remember to take his medicine on his own. I can see the differences in his mood and behavior after just one skipped dose. He becomes angry, violent, belligerent, and then very, very irrationally anxious.
What if he stops taking his medicine? What if his medicine quits working? I am super worried for his safety. He won't live with me forever. What if he chooses to stop taking medication?
In the story, Dunkin's father also lived with bipolar disorder but had committed suicide. Dunkin's mom does watch over her son and takes him to the doctor as she as she notices changes in his behavior, but it's not enough.
I feel like I have a ton of support with the LGBTQ+ advocacy I do. Mental illnesses are not so easy to navigate, especially when you also have mental illnesses. There's as much of a stigma, if not more in my experiences, of living with and raising children with mental illnesses as there is a stigma about parents supporting their LGBTQ+ children.
As a Parent, a most-of-the-time single one at that, I can't protect my kids all of the time, and I don't even try, honestly. I do work my hardest to give them a sense of self-worth and independence, and I hope that's enough. They are enough. They don't have to change to make other people comfortable.
(My third child? Severe learning disability. Haven't had a change to write about her yet. But it's coming soon, I bet. 😅)
This book is on the 2017 Rainbow Book List.
My final takeaway (in 75 words or fewer): Lily and Dunkin is an amazing book that I've reread several times already. I recommend it for mature upper elementary school students and older. And especially, I recommend it to parents: those who have children with special needs and those who do not. It will open your eyes to some of the hidden struggles children and parents face daily.
Also, I didn't mention Bob the tree, which is a very important part of the story.
Memorable quotes/passages from the book:
- "Words have the power to change the world. Use them carefully" (pg. 5).
- "Why can't I be relaxed like him? Why can't things be easy for me, like they must be for him?" (pg. 45).
- "If I could have one superpower right now, I'd wish it were invisibility. I'd use that power because the entire army of Neanderthals--sweaty and loud--stand between me and freedom" (pg. 127).
- I know--for the fist time in a long time--I know that everything's going to be okay.
That I'm going to be okay.
Maybe not right now.
But sometime soon (pg. 311).
Warm Cuddly Teddy Bear (WCTD) book winner.
Other reviews: My Kid is Gay and Mother Daughter Book Club
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| This book is available here: https://library.greensboro-nc.gov/ |
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| Learn more about the Rainbow Book List here: http://www.ala.org/rt/glbtrt |
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